This Is All An Elaborate Stunt To Make It Seem Like I Have Friends

A reminder that this week is brought to you by some very wonderful friends of mine. I’m in the woods this week, away from the internet, carving Dril tweets into the sides of trees. I put this all together a week ago, so hopefully it still makes sense.

First Up, Here’s Some Stuff From My Friend Kevin

I asked Kevin if he had anything fun for Garbage Day and he sent me two tweets. Here’s the first one:

And here’s the second one:

I asked Kevin for some kind of context or explanation or just, really, literally anything else I could add. Kevin said: “I don’t know what to say other than that my timeline is a mess and we are all made of star cum.”

Thanks Kevin!

Second Up, Here’s Some Stuff From My Friend Rachael

Rachael says: “Not gross, but this is this year's Love Island winner Amber and I think it's the best and most British lip sync I've ever seen.” For Americans, Love Island is how the UK decides who gets to be their next prime minister.

Rachael also sent me this tweet which has really shaken up the already impressively horny Bon Appétit fandom.

Rachael also says: “Can you ask your readers to settle an argument: does wanting a tail like a Saiyan make you a furry or just a cool Saiyan bro?”

Now, Dan With Some Drama From r/Rabbits

There’s a lot to unpack here, so I’m going to just let Dan take it away.

Dan says: Pudding is the name of one of her very cute rabbits, or her "buns" to use proper subreddit terminology (they also seem to refer to rabbits as squirrels for some very normal and completely fine reason). u/Damiana8 has several buns, including Popcorn, Sesame, and Mochi, but also I lost count. 

The drama is centered around the "danger" in which u/damiana8 places her buns in search of upvotes. People object to Pudding being put on a shelf, which is very dangerous because it's too high (unless the rabbit in question is named Bucky O'Hare, amirite). People also object to Pudding being placed next to succulents because succulents are poisonous to rabbits. And also accuse u/damaiana8 of using her buns as props. Hey-yo. Everyone takes it all very seriously and the comments are kinda wild: 

• "Why not take photos of the bunnies on the floor? What will it take for you to stop? An injury or death? Ffs u/damiana8 you are a bad pet owner and you are spreading misinformation about an already misunderstood animal." 

• "The plant literally says "TOXIC TO PETS", do you not know how to read or do you just not care? Not to mention he's high on a shelf...AGAIN." 

• "What if the rabbit would've chewed on the leaf? Irresponsible." 

I would have added "NOBODY PUTS PUDDING ON THE SHELF" but the mods locked the thread before I had chance. Anyway all these rabbits seem to be in good health but I'm not sure about the humans.

Alright, Cates’ Turn

Cates says: Remember the whole Anakin-Padme secret marriage thing that was the basis for the Star Wars prequel trilogy? It's because Jedi are supposed to be free from attachments, including romantic ones. This holds true for all Jedi except for one — Ki-Adi-Mundi, a Cerean Jedi Master who, due to his species' biology, canonically can and must fuck. A lot. Cerean males age much more quickly than females of the species, so there's a big imbalance in the sexes and thus the dudes have between one and ELEVEN WIVES. So this dude (and all the other Force-sensitive Cereans, of which there were apparently a lot) fucks. Thanks, George Lucas!

Before We Go, Some More British Stuff From Luke

Luke says: It's Reading & Leeds festival this weekend [23rd-25th], which is traditionally where 16-year-olds go immediately after getting their exam results, and generally ends up with everyone burning their tents on the final night. One year they wouldn't let them, so people shit on their (own) tents instead.

It's one of the calmer UK festivals, which vacillate between being hauntingly nightmarish — like this classic, featuring what looks like 16-year-old with the thousand yard stare of an Iraq war veteran — and incredibly low-rent.

Here's a man from last week, at an outdoor Ed Sheeran show in Leeds, attempting to climb a muddy slope for 2 minutes and getting further and further away, as everyone around him seems to manage it without issue. 

*sigh* This is also the UK trying to Brexit.

And finally, Katie With Some Brony Thoughts

Katie says: Are bronies over? BronyCon held its final event last week after 9 years. How strange that the legacy of a children’s show will be how a certain portion of its adult fans became radicalized extremist. Ryan wrote last week about the man who made the viral meme of the intersection of bronies, Nazis, and incels as the future of an impending culture war. If you’re nodding along “yes” with all of that, then you’ll appreciate this tweet: 

P.S. here’s that damn good thread, courtesy of Cates

***All typos in this letter are on purpose actually***